#BertsRants

Wherein I am flattered that you think I am, "pretty sexy for an old guy", the fact that I am more than twice your age leads me to decline your generous offer to come to the 8th grade dance after party with you. I do understand that you can afford the half price appetizers on your allowance but 25 years in jail just for spending time with you on a "just like on pretty little liars" date is not worth the food, no matter what the discount. Oh and no, I am not going to compliment you on your dress no matter how many times you mention how it "pushes up my tiny boobs so I look like a woman closer to your age". Please stop following me, I'm just trying to do my job and clean the band hall.

Today's favorite moment is awarded to: Homeless woman sitting in the grass in the plaza Woman: hey, rent a cop, guess what? Me: what? Woman: I'm at such a higher level than you that I'm talking to the bugs in the grass! Me: oh yeah, and what are they saying? Woman: they told me I need a shower, so I told them to f**k off and mind their own business. Now you go and do the same and leave me alone. Me: as you wish. Woman: don't you tell me you love me, I seen that movie, you're too ugly for me. Me: My bad... #princessbride #homelesshavestandards

Woman: sir...... Sir...... Sir...... Sir...... Man doesn't reply Woman: what the hell, are you seriously ignoring me? Man turns and sees woman upset: I'm sorry miss, what? Woman: oh, I see, I call you out on it and you finally answer? Man: sorry ma'am, batteries are dead on my hearing aides yesterday. That's why I'm here, seeing if I have enough to get more. Woman: that doesnt mean you can ignore me, ignorant ass old man! Teen boy near by: Actually, that's exactly what it means, it means he is mostly deaf and can't hear what he's not focusing on. So shut up and leave him alone, damn, now who's ignorant? Sir, you may step in front of me so that no one else bothers you. Woman: the hell just happened, old man is rude and then he gets to cut Teen: old man is old, rude woman is rude, and we are done with this convo And he was, completely ignored all of her berating the entire rest of his time in the branch. #faithinhumanity

Window washers 3 floors over the sidewalk Guy 1: holy sh** will you look at her Guy 2: who? The blond or the red head Guy 1: damn, didn't see the ginger, now I know what I want for dinner Guy 2: no problem, ill gladly take the other option Guy 3: except since neither of you have class and every one within ear shot is now completely disgusted with you, neither of you are getting to eat tonight Both woman being talked about start clapping Red Haired woman to Guy 3: since you're the one with respect, you free to eat tonight? Guy 3: Doubt my wife will approve of that, but I'm flattered Red Haired women: she's a lucky woman Guy 3: No ma'am, I'm an ass, I'm the lucky one Blond Haired woman: Do me a favor and teach those manners and respect to the children you work with Guy 2: F**k you lady Blond Haired woman: Not with that attitude you won't

Older gentleman in wheel chair enters wrong door and comes to steps. Looks very defeated and is having troubles getting back out through the door. 6'5" well built man in marine corps dress walks up and points at stairs. Older gentleman laughs and nods. Marine lifts wheelchair with gentleman in it and carries him down the stairs. He then pushes wheel chair into bank as escort. #semperfi #faithinhumanity

Guy 1: so are you much of a coffee drinker? Girl: no, not really, but everyone here goes for coffee so I might as well join. Guy 2: I got twenty bucks says by the end of your first month here you'll be a coffee snob. Girl: oh really? Why do you say that? Guy 2: With as many coffee shops as there are downtown, its hard not to become a coffee snob. Girl: I'm just fine with grabbing a 99¢ coffee from the gas station, just need it for the caffeine. Guy 1: I'm sorry, what? No, you're a lawyer now. No more dark ages of coffee for you. Guy 2: If when ordering your coffee, you don't say at least three words that you don't know the definition of, then you aren't getting good coffee. Girl: seriously? Guy 2: Last year I went in as a joke and just said a bunch of random coffee shop sounding words and a few random flavors, and ended up with the best coffee I had ever had. Saved the receipt so I could memorize it. Takes me almost an entire minute to say the full ...

"one thing I learned working loading vending machines for the Italians in New York, they are going to lie, steal and rip you off, best thing to do is just walk away." As said by very old man who was half my height, had no teeth, and grabbed my arm randomly in the lobby to impart his wisdom.

"how is it I can stay up till 6am drinking and trying to get laid and wake up by 9am no problem, yet, when I go to bed at 9pm I can't wake up at 6am without making coffee out of red bull and tasting colors all day?"

"I wish men came with a best buy date so I could find out if a guy is rotten or not before I get him home into bed with me. Maybe I should become a monk, are there female monks? Don't say nuns, they are just mean old women who can't find a man."

"if a woman has no ass when she's walking with heals on, ten bucks says it's concave in flat shoes, no point even looking then" "how is it woman are so clueless about directions? It's not that hard, I said go left, then go left, don't look around" "she was just screaming at him rather than thinking rationally, that's what you get with women, no ability to stay calm" "women are fine wine, better with age and always appreciated, girls are like cheap liqueur, only fun when you have more than one at once." Upon finding misc pigeon parts outside: "what do you expect, give the homeless enough time and a lighter and they will eat anything." "I guess if you're dumb enough to kill yourself then you're dumb enough to do it in public and be a burden on society one last time." "Ever since the New York Times bought the Grand Rapids Press, this town has gone to hell. What do New Yorkers know about Mic...

"Venice is a city the peaked 1000 years ago, so of course it's going to smell bad, why do you think Romeo and Juliet killed themselves."

"Sometimes you need to pull alpha and look the judge in the eyes and tell him the law. Course then sometimes he's more alpha and you get kicked out, and arrested for contempt. So maybe it's not worth it. But sometimes it is."

"I am so tired of homophobic rants from people in the media, if a gay guy is okay enough to decorate your home, then you're okay enough to decorate his wedding cake, just saying."

Guy 1 - are you serious dude? You stunk up all of the third floor. Is there something dying inside of you? Guy 2 - yes, after a night filled with taco bell and tequila, my dignity is what's dying inside of me and trying to escape.

Late forties mom - "Sometimes I look at my son and think, really, that's what's I sacrificed so much for. That's what I worked so hard to make. Where did I go wrong?" I'm assuming grandma - "well, maybe if you stopped paying for everything he wants, actually told him no a few times, and kicked his ass out when he dropped out of high school at age 18, then you wouldn't feel so bad." Mom - "well god forbid I try to give my child nothing but the best." Grandma - "well now your stuck with an ingrate who thinks he is god, and I guarantee he will never forbid that."

"I swear to you the bum had a sign that read 'I take PayPal and cash' and had his email address listed on it. I sent him $30 for his creativity."

"I like eggs in the morning for energy, be them scrambled or unfertilized, but I prefer them in a white shell."

me"how's your day going sir?" man"okie doke" me"sorry?" man"me too" me"what?" man"yep" me"okay then" man "exactly"

Middle aged woman excited about purchasing a frozen pizza, "I haven't eaten pizza in a year due to being sick. Not having pizza is worse than not having sex, course I haven't had sex in 20 years so I could be wrong."

"I love being a mom, I really do, but if I could go one morning without another human beings excrement of any kind on me, I would be the happiest mom to have ever lived."

Some people need to learn the difference between art for the sake of art, art to push an idea, and artistic expression. If you merge too many of those together you get art that makes no sense and its hard to connect with art that makes no sense. Plus, what ever happened to painting a bowl of fruit and calling it good, I mean come on, really? #artprize7

"We all know what happens when we mess up and someone is missing. They get blamed for the mistake, so, looks like Tim lost the paper work and is buying lunch tomorrow. All in favor? Thought so"

"Not sure if the guy had a lisp or was a little light in the loafers. Maybe a limp wrist or two." "Are kidding me, black kid steals white womans purse and she's in trouble for shooting him? He deserves what's coming to him." "The woman baked some devil spawn kids, course, with as many men as she's been through it's no surprise if her oven is a bit broken." "Skinny jeans on men are gods way of killing off sperm so that those idiots won't reproduce and tarnish this planet more." "I have no problem with the blacks and Hispanics, long as they stay out of my part of Ada they can live whatever kind of life they want." "Her ass said yes but her lips said no, so I just stayed behind her." "Trust me, when you make enough money you'll never have to ski on a lake with public access again. Watching poor people ski behind cheap boats is sad and makes me need another drink on my boat." "How can ...

Covering a shift at Butterworth, two guys on tablets just walked right into each other. Both apologized to each other for the same reason. The one was checking his facebook before he lost wifi headed home where he had none. The other was checking his facebook before he started his shift using the work wifi because he had none at home. They both now have giant cracks in their tablet screens. The one just missed the bus because of it and the other is now late for work.

Three young lawyers Guy 1: did you see that old lawyer, look like the oatmeal guy from the commercials Guy 2: really? I thought he looked more like the diabeetus guy Girl: yeah, you're both right, Wilford Brimley is his name, he's from the Waltons Guy 2: the what? Girl: nevermind, there's no boobs or explosions, you won't like it Guy 1: fair enough

Three men walking Man 1: I love when atheists quote the bible for inspiration, I mean come on, hypocrite much? Man 2: I quote Tolkien all the time for inspiration, doesn't mean I believe that hobbits exist Man 3: wait wait wait, hobbits don't exist, are you serious, so that really was a midget that stole my gold he said was for the dragons? Man 1: um Man 2: tell us again what you did over the weekend

Covering a shift at Butterworth, two guys on tablets just walked right into each other. Both apologized to each other for the same reason. The one was checking his facebook before he lost wifi headed home where he had none. The other was checking his facebook before he started his shift using the work wifi because he had none at home. They both now have giant cracks in their tablet screens. The one just missed the bus because of it and the other is now late for work.

Did you see that artist back there.... First time I've ever seen a long haired hippy artist who drew something I actually connected with. Maybe I'm finally getting hip to the youth.... Only took me 80 years. #artprize7

Man on phone, read with New Jersey accent "I don't care, he's a skeeze ball, an absolute creep, the man kissed my wife for god sake" Silence waiting on reply "What do you mean it's part of his culture? why didn't you didn't warn me ahead of time, I wouldn't have come" Silence again "Excuse me? Apologize for breaking his nose? Screw off, his lips touched the side of my wife's mouth on both sides, he deserved what he got."

Man 1 - I need some new support hoes, these ones just aren't working anymore Man 2 - Wait, is that street slang for a sugar mamma? And how did you get more than one with a face like that? Man 1 - skill my friend, skill

Guy 1 - I used to look up to that Jared subway guy.... Guy 2 - so did his victims, literally... Guy 1 - that right there is why you're never getting promoted... Guy 2 - why, cuz of touching little kids? Guy 1 - No, your humor, wait, what? Guy 2 - Oh nothing....

Guy 1- nice eye patch, you getting a job as a pirate or something? Guy 2 - No, eye surgery actually Guy 1 - you sure, cuz it's a rather piraty patch Guy 3 walking up from behind Guy 1 - he had surgery and you don't need to worry about coming in tomorrow, in fact, why don't you head home early after lunch.

Lady on phone "Yes you are allowed to practice for softball" Pause "Correct you are welcome to drink beer on your day off" Pause "No the issue is when drinking beer and practicing your swing take place inside the house at the same time" Pause "Do I need to hire you a babysitter like I do the kids"

Man 1 - "take her easy guy" Man 2 - "I prefer women who aren't easy, like my wife, she likes playing hard to get." Man 1 - "well alright then, take her hard I guess" Man 2 - "oh definitely, she won't let me take her any other way." Man 1 - "I know way too much about your wife now" Man 2 - "you're the one that brought it up" Man 1 - "remind me only to use the word bye with you from now on" Man 2 -"that's a good idea, I would suggest it for every coworker though"

Girl - you realize my boyfriend is a cop right, a federal cop, so you better just back off. Guy - your boyfriend is a dnr officer, and I have no desire to hunt you or poach you, I think ill be safe. Girl - still, better stop flirting with me then Guy - you're right, I'm sorry, how dare I say good morning every day, the one time when we pass each other in the halls. How foolish of me. Girl - exactly Guy - wow Girl - yup Guy - well tell your woods cop boyfriend that he's in for a ride with you and ill choose a different route to walk to work every morning Girl - you better Guy - again, wow

Young woman to elderly couple holding hands, "awww how cute, that so nice to see couples still in love." Elderly gentleman "this has nothing to do with love, if I let go I'll either fall over or get lost and she doesn't want to take care of my whiney ass like that anymore." #truth #reallove

Woman on phone "Wait, so you're telling me that you couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and call me while you're driving?" Pause "I don't care if its illegal to call while driving, what's more important?" Pause "Well that was uncalled for, its not like I asked you to murder someone, its just a dumb law." Pause "No I don't think all laws are dumb, but come on, what's more important, being scared of a ticket or scared of my wrath." Pause "F*** you, I do to have wrath, and If I WERE a hooker I would cost way more than that ticket would." Pause "Wait, are you saying if I were a hooker you wouldn't pay me for sex?" Pause "Okay, you paying my rent doesn't count, that's just the cost of having a girl like me in your life, sex is extra now." Pause "No im not a hooker, f*** you, I will call you back, I think the security guard is listening to me." And tha...

Video of guy reciting his own poetry is playing for art prize, one of the lines is "get into heaven with all the lousy believers, and the good little communists" (there's more to it when you hear the whole thing). Junior high age kid - "ain't no f*#$ing commies getting into heaven." Teacher - "watch your language" Kid - "sorry, not one f*#$ing communist will get into heaven before a lousy believer. There was my grammar better?" Teacher - "yes, but do you have to swear?" Kid - "that's how grandma refers to them every time the Russians are on TV, and she goes to church every Sunday for 70 years." Teacher - "well we are representing a Christian school when we are in public, and therefore representing God himself, so no swearing." Kid - "fine, but, I still agree with grandma, no communists are allowed in heaven." Teacher - "that's not how it works, if they believe in and accept Jesu...

Guy 1 - "did you see that drawing back there? The old couple. I am so voting for that." Guy 2 - "did you see the artist, wish I could vote for her." Guy 1 - "yeah, well, the winnings would go to her parents, she's the artwork, they are the artists." Guy 2 - "new art prize category, genetic manipulation." Guy 1 - "go tell her you're voting for her then." Guy 2 - "oh, right, I'm sure that pickup line will work." Now I wanna know if it would work lol #artprize7

Upon asking the artist how long her drawing took to finish, "First three seasons of how I met your mother. So, if you figure 22 minutes an episode, 22 episodes a season, you get how long it took me. It equals a lot of hours." And that ladies and gentleman is when I decided to go back to telling time by tv, so I'm working 15 episodes of game of thrones (minus commercial time between episodes) today if anyone wants to come say hi. #artprize7

Little old lady - "thank god that fifth third is respectable establishment and there's not much modern art. Anyone who makes modern art is on drugs. Mark my words, you can't draw a red blur over a blue blur and call it spring time, without having smoked lots and lots of weed." #artprize7

Woman - "I understand beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but come on, really, maybe they need their eyes checked." Artist - "actually that's my painting and I have been legally blind since birth so they've been check many times" Woman - "oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, its amazing art work, what do I know, I couldn't draw a stick figure." Woman walks away Me - "there is no way you're blind" Artist - "No, but now she feels bad and I feel better." Me - "touche" #artprize7

Young black man: dude, that old white lady just checked out your ass. Me: oh yeah? Did she seem impressed? Young black man: seriously dude? Why do you care what an old lady thinks, ain't you disgusted? Me: compliment is a compliment...... Young black man: alright, true, yeah she seemed pleased Me: then score one for me

Two men reading newspaper Man 1: what, it says "teachers flee troubled pasta", what the hell does that mean? Man 2: is it a article about cafeteria food again? Man 1: no, rest the article is about issues teachers have had in the past, so I don't know why they mention pasta Man 2: let me see that Pause to read Man 2: that says troubled pasts you idiot, not pasta, does it make more sense now? Man 1: oh yeah, much more sense now

Two women talking 1: don't get me wrong, I'm sad you were in a wreck, but really? 2: hell yeah, its his car, he's paying for it. Doesn't matter if I was driving or not, it's his car, his insurance, I ain't paying a dime.... 1: but he wasn't in the car, you crashed it all by yourself, right? 2: yep, not my problem though, he should have known better. Everyone knows that I'm a bad driver, that's his fault for letting me drive. 1: so you're gonna stick your own father with the bill? 2: serves him right for not buying me my own car! 1: remind me why I bother talking to you anymore?

Lady - He doesn't go to church often, he drinks beer, and he stubbed his toe the other day and said words that made my heart cry. I'm worried he's going to hell. Gentleman - If you can find me one person who doesn't say every curse word they know when they stubbed their toe I'll walk into hell with your son holding his hand.

How in the world do people draw like this? I mean, come on, how do you look at paper and pencil and decide, hey, this is going to be a cowboy? I decide that and it turns into what a cowboy looks like when I'm on acid. Not that I've ever done acid.... Well, do shrooms count? #artprize7

Coworker - "how you feeling today?" Me - "got really bad jaw pain, but other than that not bad." Coworker - "what does your bad golf game have to do with anything?" Me - "no, jaw pain, but hey, if I play golf as bad as my jaw hurts it will take a miracle to fix both."

Guy "oh come on, just one drink" Girl "just one huh, fine then just one good reason" Guy "I am the Dragon ball master" Girl "ummmmm..... Fair enough, tomorrow night sound good?"

Lawyer 1: exactly, cuz life is nothing more than a play on words Lawyer 2: precisely Lawyer 3: Damn that got deep Lawyer 1: no, that didn't make any sense actually, but it's nice to know who's heads are up my ass when the doctor asks why I'm walking funny

Older man - "if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all." His wife - "you said I was your source of luck" Man - "like I said, if it weren't for......." Wife hits him in arm cutting him off Man - "just proves my point."

"I mean, I don't get it, just cuz we made plans to do dinner and a movie cuz we happened to be in the same town at same time does not equal a date. Sure, I let him pay and dressed nice but I never once used the word date so where does he come off trying to hold my hand. Creep."

Old man: well that's a shame, they changed the actress for the next hunger games Wife: what are you talking about, no they didn't Man: yes they did, says right here the girls name is katniss, I mean she's pretty but she's no Jennifer Wife: I'm taking you to the doctor Monday Man: why would you say that Wife: cuz apparently your getting stupid with age

Sir I think there is someone doing drugs in their car outside.... Oh really? Yeah, the pot smells like parking lot.... ... ... ... Ill check on that...............

mother to 3 year old, "you cannot have candy for breakfast, why don't you grab a chocolate glazed sprinkled donut?"

Favorite Conversation with a customer ever Woman"You don't have a citibank atm?" Me"no, sorry" W"so just the charter one atm?" M"yes, that's the only one we have" W"will my citibank card get charged a fee?" M"yes because its a charter one atm" W"well can I use your citibank atm then?" M"ma'am we only have the one atm" W"yeah, so let me use the citibank one" M"we only have the charter one atm, there Is no citibank atm here" W"okay, so how much is the fee?" M"$2 per transaction" W"but I don't get charged to use citibank ATM's" M"ma'am this is a charter one atm" W"oh, then where is the citibank atm" M"not sure where one is, but this is the only one we have" W"well I don't want to pay the fees" M"well I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do about that" W"...

Overheard phone convo him"dominoes can I help you" her"oh baby why you so crazy?" Him"you know me, born a knuckle head" her"my bad boy knuckle head" Him"you know it" Am I supposed to say aww or gag, cuz I did both at once and it was awkward......

"Its not that I don't like him, honestly, he's a great guy, I'm just not fond of being told what our kids will look like an hour after meeting him at a party. The tequila was strong but not that strong."

Lady one - you're welcome to come over if you think you can tame him, he definitely needs house broken, that's for sure. Lady two - really, what makes you say that? Lady one - well yesterday I came home to him peeing on the kitchen floor with my shoe in his mouth Lady two - well that's either some kinky s**t or he needs checked into pine rest Lady one - what? Why would pine rest take an animal? Lady two - oh, we aren't talking about you setting me up with your dad anymore are we? Lady one - nope we are talking about my bull dog, but honestly, I wouldn't put that past dad

Woman - "sometimes you just need to suck it up and swallow it down. Doesn't matter how big that thing is, its just a fact of life when you're a woman. Just get through it and better things will come." Man - "wow, all I can think is either your talking about hormone pills or oral sex, either way, such a profound statement." Woman - "really? Can't go three minutes without your mind in the gutter?" Man - "nope, course the gutter is where I met you, so I wouldn't complain." Woman - "looks like the dog has company for bedtime tonight" Man - "oh good, I like cuddling with something less hairy than you."

Woman chatting with 3 friends Woman: yeah, going to the beach for my vacation next week, can't wait to sit in the sun and watch Netflix on my tablet.... Friend 1: isnt grand haven way to cold to be laying on the beach next week? Friend 2: how do you watch Netflix without wifi, can you predownload, is that a thing now? Friend 3: why am I friends with you ladies? Woman: ummm, going to a resort in Florida because I'm not an idiot, the resort has wifi access on the private beach, predownloading is not a thing, and because no one else will put up with you, now, back to me and my vacation!

Man one - "did you drive or fly in this time?" Man two - "I flew, and man are my arms tired" Man one - "wow, really, thanks daaad" Man two - "I see your mother finally told you the truth" Man one - "and on that note I'm hungry and need to eat." Man two - "hi hungry I'm dad" Man one - "why am I friends with you again?" Man two - "cuz every boy loves his father"

3 men walking Man 1: I'm telling you, she was all into it after only like 2 drinks, she was a 9 at least Man 2: that's pretty impressive being that you are only a 3 at max Man 3: I don't believe you Man 1: I'm telling you, she was a 9 and let me kiss her after only 2 ddrinks Man 3: okay mister Cosby, sure you don't need an alibi for last night rather than bragging out loud about giving a 9 drinks when you're a 2 Man 1: shut the...... actually I'm not going to finish this post due to FCC regulations on profanity laced rants.....

"Well damn gentleman, thanks. You know how to make a woman's day." Said by attractive woman as all conversation either stops or is stuttered as she passes through the center of their group.

"I'm sitting there, nail gun in hand, pressure gauge in the red, thinking, I wonder how far this will shoot. Well, if you wait to long on the thinking, the air tank over pressurizes, blows the catch and the hose blows up. So yeah, that's where the scar on my neck came from."

1"man this phone gets horrible reception" 2"bet if I shoved it in your butt you would get better reception" 1"okay, and how would you figure that would work" 2"no idea, was hoping the insult would just end there" 1"I see............"

Mid twenties guy looking at cell phone: Hey, can you tell me where the western union is, my GPS said it should be right outside but there's only an ATM and I don't have a western union debit card or nothing, is that something I need to sign up for?

"You don't know the meaning of stress and anxiety until you are headed to a pink theme party with a purple manicure and no time to stop and fix it." #artprize7

Man in suit: yeah, you just have to be careful what you say in the court room Woman in business suit: yeah, cuz the walls have eyes Man in sweater: those are called security cameras Janet, and those are for seeing you, not hearing you, try to keep up

Guy 1 - say that word again Lady - libary Guy 1 - its library, you're missing an r, you should fix that Lady - bring it up again and youll be missing an eye, and no one can fix that Guy 2 - well that escalated quickly Lady - Don't think I won't get you too Guy 1 - is that two as in both of us? Lady - that's to as in this ice you're on is too thin Guy 1 - noted

Woman one - "did you see the boobs on that woman? Oh my word.... Here I am with the same size boobs I had in sixth grade. The only time in my life I had the biggest boobs in the room. That woman had two perky bowling balls in her shirt." Woman two - "you do realize everyone can hear you right?" Woman one - "they can also barely see my tiny boobs. Maybe I can enter them as an art prize exhibit, as a miniatures collection." Random Man - "I'd vote for you" Woman two - "see, everyone can hear you." #artprize7

Guy 1 - Denise is actually dressed up today Guy 2 - our boss Denise, really? define dressed up Guy 1 - heals, skirt, blouse, curled hair Guy 2 - so wait, no capri's, black socks, jesus sandles, pony tail, and old lady sweaters? Guy 1 - correct, I wonder why she's never dressed like that before, she has an amazing body for it Guy 2 - agreed, I mean, wow Denise standing a little ways behind them - so you wouldn't stare at me and would actually get some work done, like you should be doing now Guy 1 - oh my god, Denise, I'm sorry, I meant that as a compliment I swear Denise - one more compliment and you can explain your compliments to HR And that ladies and gentlemen is why you treat people with respect, regardless of gender

Two women talking waiting on a teller Woman 1: got a new boy toy over the weekend, I don't know what it is but I seem to always fall for young smokers Woman 2: really? Their mouth always tastes bad, their hair and breath smell bad, they can't last an hour without going outside, and have yellow teeth usually. If I want someone with those qualities ill go get a dog. Woman 1: great, you just compared my relationship to bestiality, and now that's all i'll think about tonight, what is wrong with you? Woman 2: nothing, just dont forget to give him a treat when he finishes, they like to be given praise often or they are harder to house apparently.

"So I accidentally got a penpal the other day. When you forget the R in Gary you end up emailing gay Mary instead of Gary Mary.... Well needless to say I am now friends with a 60 year old lesbian in North Dakota who knits for a living and wants to send me a scarf for the winter. Life is funny sometimes."

Bearded man to older woman at ATM Man: really, $20, that's it, you can't do more than that? Woman: look here, when my 38 year old son is begging me for money, because his 18 year old girlfriend stole all his and ran away, $20 is all I'm willing to give Man: Hey, how is her theft my fault? Woman: Well, if you used your brain for thinking instead of that tiny thing between your legs you would find a real woman and I wouldn't be loaning you money. Yes, this is a loan, your stupidity is not coasting me any money. Man: man mom, why you gotta be such a bitch Woman: I don't know, maybe cuz my son is a stupid pedophile. This is where I started laughing and had to walk away while he glares at me

Mother to 17 year old daughter trying to flirt with college guy in line, "you know if you spent as much energy in school as you do trying to lose your virginity I wouldn't be driving you to summer school right now for the third summer in a row"

Girl 1: I mean, he tried to keep the convo going, but come on, why in the world do I want to talk about your kids on the first date, really? Girl 2: seriously? He talked about his kids on the first date? If you don't want him can I have him? Girl 1: why? It's the first date, he should be asking about me, not going on about kids. Girl 2: the fact that he talked about them on the first date shows honesty, maturity, responsibility, and all the other qualities that a real woman wants. Girl 1: fine, he's yours, ill give you his number in a bit..... Wait, are you saying I'm not a real woman.... Girl 2: if the shoe fits honey

2 men, 1 woman Man 1: what I need now is a stand up paddle for my wife Man 2: my wife prefers when we sit on the bed for that Woman: pretty sure he was talking about paddle boarding Man 2: oh, yeah, well, okay then, you guys have fun at lunch Man 1: oh no, you are coming with, I have questions Woman: I don't

Older mom and son at atm Mom: Tell me, what is it you want? Son: you know what I want, you know what I want? Mom: besides my money, no, thats why I asked you, dumbass.... Son: I want my life back, I mean, why did she leave? Mom: the underage hooker you married? Pretty sure her description answers that.... Son: what does he have that I don't? Mom: besides a job, a home, a car, no debt, and knowing her I'm assuming a bigger crank, I don't know, what could she possibly want with him...... And this was when I realized this was the same pair I had over heard before, I need to look for them more often.

Older Woman one: excuse me miss, but I think your dress ripped Younger Woman two: really, where? One: the slit in the back Two: nope, not ripped but thanks One: well when you picked up your keys off the ground I saw your lack of underwear, so there's that issue, unless that's how you're hoping to win the job. Two: look here grandma, you don't get to tell me how to dress, and what makes you think I'm here for an interview? One: because there is no other reason to wear an outfit like that to work unless you're a stripper or maybe an escort, course knowing some of the men that work here, both are possible. Two (getting on the elevator): I'll have you know I'm ____ _____'s wife, and he will hear about this! One: oh I'm sure he will, and since I'm his boss I will be requesting he no longer have personal visits at work. Enjoy lunch, its the last personal time lunch he will be having for quite a while, but don't worry, ill make sure he k...

Warning, I attempted to filter the profanities but didnt want to leave them out, so this is as clean as I can get it. Also, this was 8am and doors don't unlock till 7am. Me pounding on the stall door: sir, sir, I need you to get up. This is a bathroom, not a bedroom. Drunk preppy guy around my age who was snoring loudly on the floor: who is it, warning, I curse people. Me: you need to get up. Drunk: I asked who is it you stupid f**ker? Me: security, you need to leave. Drunk: well sh**, don't gotta be a dick bi**h! Me: sir, you cannot sleep in our bathroom, you need to leave. Drunk rapidly trying to force open locked door: sorry, can't, God has chosen for me to sleep and his giant c**t out ranks yours. Me: sir, unlock the door before you break it and let's go. Drunk: fine, all you pieces of sh** with a badge are the same, won't let a guy get a good nights sleep. Me escorting him through lobby: sir, the exit is over here, you can go home and sleep. Drunk p...

So many issues we have as humans would be solved if we lived by the mantra of, "everything in moderation." Do you like fatty foods? Enjoy, in moderation. Do you like to drink alcohol? Enjoy, in moderation. Do you like running in circles till you're so dizzy that you can't stand? Enjoy, in moderation. Do you enjoy playing video games to zone out of life? Enjoy, in moderation. Do you like shopping for useless stuff? Enjoy, in moderation. Get the idea? Seems everyone tries to find specific things to blame for all of life's problems, when really, its all because we as humans can't get enough of things we love.

If you require someone to suspend their personal beliefs, in order to hear your side of things, but then refuse to do so yourself to hear their side, you're a jerk. I run into this sooo often in my life. People who say they want to debate something, but all they want is to convert you to their way of thinking and have no intent on actually paying attention to anything you have to say. I try very hard to make sure that I am not that person. Sure, I stand up for what I believe, and I defend what I believe, but I will give you a fair chance to explain that belief to me. #rant #artofdebateisdead

I get really annoyed at all these posts and memes the generalize life. No two people are exactly the same, which means not all men act the same, not all women act the same, not all whites act the same, not all blacks act the same, not all gays act the same, not all heteros act the same, not all young people act the same, not all old people act the same, and not all anything acts the same. We generalize everything and then can't understand why no one understands who we are. We label everything so nothing can be the big scary unknown. Well guess what, I'm unique, just like everyone else. ;-)