Small glimpses into what it is to be me:

I keep seeming to detach from reality for short periods of time; everything from being amazed at how my body turns food into waste to the fact that basil is just a crushed-up leaf. There are times every day where one normal thing will just be completely amazing to me like it was all brand new to me.

I panic at the thought of dying before Paige and leaving her alone. Not just get worried, but have full on panic attacks because I don't want to leave her alone with nothing. I have nothing to leave her besides my life insurance, and even that's not much. I see anything on tv or movies about a woman being a widow at an early age and I worry that it's going to happen to Paige and I won't be able to be there for her. I worry that my kids are young enough they would forget me. I worry that my older two won't get to see Paige and the other two as much as they should. I worry that people are going to use her pain to take advantage of her and I won't be there to protect her like I promised I would. 

I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that this is my life and no miracle is going to happen and take away all the struggle. No one is going to hand me money, I'm never going to save the life of someone famous and have them give me a reward or gift. I am never going to win the lotto. Publishers Clearing house will never come to my door with a giant check. I have all these dreams and all these plans on how I can support myself and those closest to me, and yet I have no money to make it happen. 

I day dream constantly. Not just day dreams of fun things I would rather be doing, but straight up brain drifting off somewhere random for long periods of time. I'll zone out into nothingness for periods of time with no knowledge of what happened during that time. 

I relive things from my past and wish I could go change them, then get mad because that would mean I wouldn't have Paige or my kids. Then I'm annoyed the whole rest of the day that I can't just make my life how I want it. I wish I could go back in time, have a conversation with myself about what's actually wrong with me and how to start battling it back then. Of course, if I did that then I would have graduated on time, never gone to the school I did, never met my ex-wife, not have my kids, never have to move back home, never meet my current wife, and never have the family I have now. I can't imagine life without my chidren, but I can imagine a better life for my children, but I can't change the past to give them a better life without possibly making them not exist. Plus, there's the fact that my mind is having an anxiety attack over something that isn't even possible to have happen in the first place. 

I get ALL KINDS of ideas and plans and then get extremely upset when I can't make them happen. Every idea that I come up with is always a $1,000,000 life changing idea in my head. Then the moment I tell people about them the first things they say are all the reasons they think the ideas won't work. Then I realize I have no money to make any of it happen anyway, and another idea gets added to the list of broken dreams. There are so many ideas on that list, so anytime I add an idea to the list of possibilities I don't bother to tell anyone because all they ever do is shoot me down anyways. Why is it human nature to try to "Save someone from heartbreak" if you see what you think is a flaw in their idea? Why must we crush other people's dreams rather than trying to help them succeed? 

I keep getting these huge urges to fly, like I want to put on one of those wing suits and jump off a building and glide around downtown around the buildings. I can feel myself doing all of it. I can feel the lift and the wind and all these things that I shouldn't know because I've never done them but I feel them. 

I feel myself painting famous paintings, I know every brush strokes but I can't actually paint. I can see every single stroke, every color, know what pressure to put where and when, and yet I can't put that out of my mind and into my hand to actually make the painting. 

I feel myself fighting someone in defense, I know every move to make but when those situations arise I can't do anything but try to talk my way out of it. I have won so many fights in my head that I feel like I could fight anybody. I know the moves, I know how to hit, I know how to kick, I know how to dock and dodge, and yet when the moments arise all I do is talk. Granted my talking has worked 99% of the time, but I want to fight. 

I wake up EVERY single morning wishing I could stay in bed all day. I wake up EVERY single morning dreading going to work and wasting another day in corporate America doing something I'm good at to make money rather than living my life and doing what I want to make money. 

I start writing and getting stories down and then another idea will pop into my head and I am off to write that one. I have 9 books that are sitting unfinished, most of them probably only a quarter finished, and yet I can't seem to finish them. I write for a while, then move to the next, then write for a while, and move to the next. They are all different stories and genres and so on, but I still can't seem to finish even one. 

I get trapped in my own head on a daily basis. I don't mean I get lost in thought, I mean I get trapped 

in my head. Something will come up that will take all of my thoughts and will keep me thinking about it no matter what I do. Sometimes they are good thoughts, however mostly they are negative thoughts. They are thoughts that I don't want to keep dwelling on, but the more I fight to stop dwelling on them, the harder it seems to be to stop.